my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
