there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
