Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
