I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
