Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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