is your mom at the bar?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
