He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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