My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
