the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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