I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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