I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
