Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
