I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
