well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
