its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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