This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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