Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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