I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Is Oprah even human
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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