so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
