I can text with my tongue
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
