is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
