If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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