I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
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