Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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