I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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