At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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