There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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