As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
ttyl tear gas
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
