If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
