I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
