Betty ford says i'm here all night
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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