We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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