So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
