I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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