Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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