Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize