So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
