I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
