I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
