i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
