I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
