I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
