I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
