her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
