my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
