i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
