Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
