Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
