when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
