is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
