you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
