Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
