Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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